


Loving you - Again and Again

by aokilovesjaehyun



Category: We Go Up - NCT Dream (Music Video)
Genre: Lee Jeno is Whipped, M/M, Na Jaemin is Whipped, Psychological Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:20:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22330978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aokilovesjaehyun/pseuds/aokilovesjaehyun
Summary: Jeno is suffering from an associational dissorder where his other self is awaken as soon as he is drunk or in a state of extreme depression. A defense mechanism that occurs to cope up with his post traumatic accident.And soon as he is sober he becomes a tamed hopelessly-in-love guy with his bestfriend Jaemin.Or the twist where Jeno realized how jealous he was with his other self. Knowing that his other self has become Jaemin's boyfriend.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	1. The Lie

**Author's Note:**

> This is supposed to be an angst one, but then I became soft.... so I hope you guys enjoy it

**The lie**

Jeno is hopelessly in love with his bestfriend Jaemin.

He loved him so much to the point where he even helped him be with his love of his life.

"Jeno don't do this to yourself. We all know what you are sacrifing for Jaemin. Why do you need to plan their own fucking wedding?" - Mark was with Jeno at the cafe to meet for the grooms to choose their wedding cake. They are meeting Taeyong for the purpose of choosing the best cake for them.

"The same reason I have been giving you. I love him so much, that his happiness is my priority." Jeno adjusted his glasses and look at the catalogue in front of them.

"I will give up everything for him to smile." He was looking at Jaemin now, as he arrived with Renjun with their intertwined hands upon entering the cafe.

"Mark, shut up please. This is his happiest moment and I will never let anyone ruin it." Jeno whispered with determination.

He smiled with his crescent smile as soon as the couple sat in front of them.

Mark sadly looked at Jeno, on how he tried his best to smile and be as proactive in front of the couple.

He looked at Jaemin's eyes, it's fluttering and beaming with excitement.

Jeno remembers it was just a simple statement from Renjun.

_"Stop pushing Jaemin away or else you might not know the distance are too great you can't pull him back anymore." Renjun mentioned it and then chuckled, back then when Jeno was trying to overcome his feelings for Jaemin. And kept on asking Renjun to replace him and be with Jaemin instead if him._

Leaving Renjun and Jaemin to develop deep feelings.

And eventually it grew, both Jaemin and Renjun, they got too close for intimacy and fell in love eventually.

And then Jeno waked up one day. With the news from Jaemin.

"Jeno I have a boyfriend!" - Jaemin excitedly told him over the phone.

And then eventually learned that Jaemin is getting married with one of their friends Renjun.

Mark can only sigh on the living hell Jeno is trying surpass.


	2. The Wedding Day

**(2)**   
**The Wedding Day**

It was never an option for Jeno to confess, it was his consistent indecisiveness...and cowardice that creeps as soon as he is in the moment.

He had all his chances....

High school prom night.

Jaemin asked if he has a date, and because he was afraid to show his feelings he turned down Jaemin by saying he will go with other classmate already.

Graduation uniform button....

Jaemin asked if he had given his uniform button to a certain special person. Instead of reaching out the button to Jaemin which he pulled out earlier, he showed his uniform without the button not uttering anything. Jaemin sadly smile and said "oh yes of course, there is someone already".

College days...

Graduation ball.

Jaemin asked if he is going to grad ball with someone. Jeno said he will go with his fellow latin honors. Which is a big lie. As he was saving the grad ball for Jaemin. And yet again his indecisiveness and fear of losing the precious friendship got on the way. And for the first time, he tasted alcohol. Lulling himself to drunkness.

And now, after college graduation.

Renjun and Jaemin had been working together in a certain company for three years.

Developing and growing their friendship into somethingdeeper even planning to settle down.

And because Jeno is caring for the precious friendship, he volunteered to plan it out for Jaemin as his wedding gift.

His gift for Jaemin is letting Jaemin go with someone who will hold him without hesitation. Who are willing to risk everything to cross the bridge of friendship.

But, why is he crying now? Why is he sulking in the hotel room where the wedding is about to happen? Why does tears keeps on trailing down his cheeks.

Jeno wanted to ran and tell how much he loved Jaemin with all his heart. All his being, ever since he laid his eyes on Jaemin. It was never a friendly love. It was more than that.

But he is a coward, he is selfish. He is not willing to sacrifice.

He can not smile and let Jaemin and Renjun utter promises together in front of him. He needs to escape.

With a rushed steps he went out of his room.

"JENO!" -

And then he saw Jaemin teary eyed outside of his room.

"Jaemin?!?!? What happened? Why are you crying? Where is Renjun? " jeno hugged Jaemin as Jaemin cried and accepted his hug.

"Why Jeno?" Jaemin asked as he lifts his face to Jeno.

"What do you mean?"

" Why do I have to know this as soon as I am trying to turn my back from loving you?"

Then Jaemin gave a red notebook to Jeno.

His most precious diary. Where all his emotions are written. He named the diary "Nana".

Jeno's eyes widened as soon as he saw what Jaemin was holding.

He grabbed it as soon as he saw it.

It holds all his emotions, the tear stained diary where he logged all his love for Jaemin.

"Renjun went to your apartment yesterday, he wanted to leave our gift to you as a thank you for helping us in preparing the wedding. Then he saw your diary, he cried last night and gave this to me. Saying he can not marry me because he doesn't compare to the love you have for me. Why do you keep on hurting me Jeno? Why do you need to keep on hiding those smiles when you are in pain? Why can't you sacrifice a bit of risk to give me the chance to decide on how I will respond your love? Jeno why... why do I keep on loving you despite of how many times you push me away? You arehurting me so much that I can't help but realise that the more I hurt from you, the more I love you! I love you Jeno and I hate myself because I do really and never stop loving you!! Why can't you bravely love me?"

Jaemin was hysterically crying while trying to remove Jeno's tight hugged. Then he realized Jeno is crying and sobbing as loud as him.

" I love you Jaemin! I love you so much it pains me so much that I am scared that I can't make you happy. I am not confident on the love that I can give you. Letting you go was my way of loving you. Because my love for you will not stop as soon as you are taken away, I will never move on. I will always love you. I will always be here for you to make sure you are loved by someone you have chosen." Jeno lifted Jaemin's face cupping both his cheeks.

"I came from a broken family, and I can't promise you that we will never be like what happened to my family. I don't want you to experience the hurt and pain my parents have been going through what I have been going through. I am scared of hurting you as soon as I showed my love. My greatest fear is not loving you enough to make you happy. I will die if you realise that loving me was a mistake."- Jeno keeps on sobbing.

Jaemin is soothng the his back.

"I love you so much that I want you to hate me. My love will never end even of you don't reciprocate it. But then, I realized that loving you from afar is killing me each day. That every day your wedding day approaches, I want to kill myself." Jeno uttered exhaustedly. As him he is catching his breathe.

"I am sorry for saying it too late, I am sorry for not confessing before you. I am sorry for being a coward and not risking our friendship. Because I'd rather choose to be near you than to never see you again. I am sorry for loving you too much that I can't even face my own heart. "

They are still in the hallway, as Renjun approached them. Hearing all the confessions from Jeno. 

"Bullshit Jeno!" Renjun madly shouted.

"Did you even realized how much Jaemin tries to love you? Did you even realized that just by being with you Jaemin is the happiest? That you are actually the most capable person to love Jaemin and not me. Stop hurting Jaemin and yourself. Instead of trying to look for Jaemin's happiness, be the best person to give that happiness. Own your feelings and don't write it down on some stupid notebook! I am done helping your boyfriend Jaemin, I hope he wakes up now" Renjun looked at Jaemin knowingly before he turning his back to leave.

Jeno kneeled down to Jaemin.

"Jaemin, will you give me a chance this time? Please let me prove my love to you."

Jaemin helped Jeno to stand up, guides him on his room and closed the door.

"You need to prove it to me with your life." Jaemin replied.

"What do you mean?"

"You need to love me for the rest of your life, prove to me to me each day that you love me. Replaced each day that I cried with memories of us together. " Jaemin finally smiled.

"I don't understand Jaemin how you forgive me easily. And how Renjun cancelled the wedding just because of my diary." Jeno said in disbelief.

"Let me tell you a secret Jeno." Jaemin calmly replied.


	3. The Truth

Jaemin sat down and looked into Jeno's eyes.

"You need to reconcile with Nono, he is your other self Jeno."

"NONO?" Jeno asked in shocked.

"Remember when you got into an accident when your parents divorced? When you woke up from that accident, Nono is the first one to woke up. He is the version of yourself which shows different sides of you but he only appears if your true self is sleeping."

Jeno's eyes widened. His dreams, of being with Jaemin are not dreams after all.

"You will always forget Jeno, you always forget that whenever you are drunk you utter your true feelings. Everytime you are drunk you will confess to me and kiss me. And the next day you will have no memories about it. All of our friends have been frustrated because of that. They took this big step to force out that truth out of you when you are sober. Truthfully, Renjun is getting married today. But not to me." Jaemin explained.

"What?!?!?? Who is he going to marry then?" Jeno wrapped his arms around Jaemin's waist.

"One of our officemates, its Yukhei. Our friends had been planning this for a year. Actually the first time we knew about your diary was when we you were discharged from the hospital after your accident"- Jaemin played the hair on Jeno's nape.

"We knew that your uncertainty is because of the brokenness of your family. We understand that your perception is different. Everyone convinced me to play along with the plan. Because I got tired of flirting with you and trying to win you for you to cross the bridge of our friendship."

"Jaemin!" Jeno paused and had been staring at Jaemin's lips for quite a while.

He swallowed his saliva, a few times already and he kept on staring Jaemin.

"You already know how it taste Jeno!" jaemin tried to escaped from the arms of Jeno. Not realizing that are near the king size bed on his back.

Jeno pushed him and hover on top of him.

Jeno admired Jaemin's ethereal beauty.

"I will kiss you now Jaemin." Jeno whispered.

And then Jeno closed the gap. Kissing Jaemin tasted familiar, his memory started on remembering the memories that was hidden because of his trauma. The personality of the different Jeno resurfaced. The second Jeno that was awoken by the tragedy that happened to his family.

"I have never kissed anyone but you Jeno. You have kissed me tons of times when your drunk. You become a different kind of Jeno whenever you're drunk." Hazy eyes Jaemin intensely stared at Jeno

"This is my first time kissing you Jaemin, but it felt like I have been doing it for a long time." Jeno lovingly stared at Jaemin.

"It's not your first time baby. You love me Jeno, you always do. Whenever Nono will wake up, he will shower me all the love you are trying to keep." Jaemin reciprocates the stare with an equal amount of love and fondness.

"Everytime you turned me down, as soon as your extremely sad. You will wake me in the middle of night, and shower me with love. The first time you did that was when we graduate from college."


	4. Meet Nono

Meet Nono  
(The day of Graduation Ball)

  
"Nana, open the door!" Nono angrily knocks Jaemin's door.  
"What do you want? You rejected me remember?" Nana opened the door tears ran from his cheeks.  
"Oh no baby! That is Jeno! This is Nono! It's me, I will never hurt you! I love you so much to do that. Come here."  
Jaemin is shocked on the Jeno in front of him. He is a different Jeno. Full of affection, possesive and aggressive Jeno.  
Jeno kissed him for the first time. And to his surprised, Nono prepared a space in his apartment where Nono asked him for a dance.   
  
Jaemin discovered that Nono will always come out every time Jeno is deeply sad.   
  
Jaemin opened the matter to Mark and then Mark asked the help of their friends.  
Renjun played the role of boyfriend for Jaemin. When in fact, the boyfriend Jaemin referring is none other than NONO, Jeno himself.  
All of their Dream friends helped in the situation.  
Jisung installed a cctv on Jeno's apartment so they will know how and when will the switch trigger Jeno's changed in personality.  
Chenle has hired the best psychologist to study Jeno's associative disorder.  
Jeno will go to the hospital for his therapy of depression from his family but truthfully he is being hypnotized to cure his dual personality.  
"But, the doctors are worrying because you keep on burying your pain instead of letting it out. Your healing from depression will start as soon as you have acknowledge the presence of Nono in you Jeno. And we all are here to help you. We never left you." Jaemin ended the explanation with a peck on Jeno's lips.  
"You have been loving me all this time? You have been kissing the other me all this time?" A certain emotion glint on Jeno's eyes.  
"Oh wait! Don't tell me you are jealous with yourself Jeno!" - Jaemin gasps.  
"Yes!" - Jeno buried his face in the crook of Jaemin's neck. His face is as red as a tomato.  
"Hahahahahhha!oh my gosh baby! No don't!" Jaemin was amazed as soon as he saw a red and blushing Jeno.  
He lifted Jeno's face and uttered. " Nono or Jeno, I love you. But you know I will let you know my biggest secret." Jaemin whispered.  
"Nono is my first kiss. But, I love Jeno more than Nono. Because Nono is Jeno's hidden desire, and that is why I want Jeno to confess to me that he loves me too. Because Nono is not enough for me. Because what will complete me is Jeno. I want Jeno to love me, I want Jeno to kiss me too and I want Jeno to be my last kiss. "  
Jeno beamed at Jaemin with too much emotions he can't contain.  
"Jaemin, I want you so much! I want to take you now!" Jeno's eyes are burning with desire.  
"Jeno you can have me anytime. Because you know, I am reserving it for you not for Nono." Jaemin replied with a burning desire as well.  
....And the honeymoon happened first, right before the wedding...  
  
  



	5. The Real Proposal

Jeno continues to attend his therapy sessions. And now he is with Chenle.

"Hyung, it's so much easier now that we can help you openly. Hiding your sessions are extremely hard, you are very witty to not recognize." Chenle said as they walk outside the hospital.

"Thank you so much for helping me get this through. I have never imagined how much trouble I have caused our friends" Jeno sadly replied.

"Hyung! You have never been a burden to us! Have yku forgotten how you helped me and Jisung get together?" - Chenle squeezed his hands.

"Speaking of the devil and there he was! My boyfie!!!" -Chenle squealed. And ran towards Jisung to give him a hug.

Jisung replied with a much clingy hug as well.

Jeno smiled at the antics of the couple.

"Hello Jeno!"

Jeno turned around as soon as he heard that familiar voice.

"Hi baby! I miss you!" Jeno reached for Jaemin's wrist and hugged him tightly.

"How was your session?" Jaemin asked while Jeno plants a quick kiss on his cheeks.

Jeno automatically kissed Jaemin's lips quickly and wrapped his arms around his waists.

"It was fine baby. Now, can we go have our boyfriends time together?" Jeno sheepishly looks at Jaemin.

Jaemin lets out a giggle. "Sure babe."

\--------------------------

The date was just a movie date on Jeno's apartment. And Jeno fell asleep.

Jaemin is reading Jeno's diary, and can't help but cry.

_Hi Nana,_

_I don't know if I will ever have the chance to say this things to you. But, if I don't at least let this out of my chest I will burn and die within me._

_You will get married by the end of this week. And I know how much you love him, I am too jealous to even mention his name, can you imagine how much more if I even think on what he will have a claim on you as soon as you get married._

_I love you Jaemin, I can't even count how many times I have uttered those words on my head._

_I love how you take care of me ever since we knew about each other._

_You never left me, even though my parents have left me._

_You are always there to keep me company every time I needed someone to talk to._

_I can't imagine how will I survive without you._

_But I know I can't be with you. I know I am not good enough for you._

_I am not confident enough that my love will keep you from loving me._

_You will be on his arms by next week. I don't know what will happen to me. I might be indulging myself from drinking again._

_Because whenever I drink, I will have dreams of you and me being us. That we are together. Do you know? I can vividly remember my dreams of kissing you and hugging you. And it's crazy because in that dream, you love me too. It was an amazing feeling. I even asked you to marry me there. And you teary eyed said "YES!"_

_The fool in me was so happy I jumped relentlessly and carried you in bridal style. I want to take you there and be mine, but you said I should wait for our wedding day. For that to be a dream, it was so clear to me and I don't know why_

_I want to sleep forever. Because in my sleep, you are always there._

_I never wanted to wake up anymore. Because as soon as I woke up, reality will hit me. You are not mine, although I have promised myself that I will forever be yours._

_I love you Jaemin, I love you so much. Please forgive me for not doing anything about it. Please forgive me for being a coward._

_On your wedding day, I might not be there as he kiss you. Because I might pass out and die. So please forgive me if I excuse myself and not attend the ceremony._

_I love you Jaemin, my love will never end just because someone is loving you now. Please don't ever leave me as a friend. Because your existence is the only reason why I still want to live._

_Forever yours,_

_Jeno_

Jaemin stared at Jeno's sleeping face. 

"Jeno, my love. That is not a dream, you did asked me to get married with you. And yes, I will always say yes to you!"

Jeno's eyes flutters open. "Hello baby!"

"I talked to Nono, and he told me a lot of stuff. But one is thing is for sure, I remember everything now." 

Jeno sat down facing Jaemin.

"What do you mean?" jaemin asked.

"I remember all the things that Nono did, and it reconciled on my memory. Those are the things I wanted to do with you.

.....but first things first. " Jeno stood and went to his room, leaving Jaemin at the couch stunned.

Jeno went back and opened a small box in front of Jaemin.

"Nono knew that I bought this years ago, you see, I did try to confess to you. I have this wedding rings bought already." Jeno said.

Jaemin smiled lovingly and stared at the wedding rings.

"Will you marry me baby? This time, it's me and all of me who are asking." 

"YES!!!!!!! 127% yes!!!!!!" Jaemin exclaimed.

-end-

**Author's Note:**

> I will make a sequel if I get the encourement hehehee.
> 
> DM me on twiiter. https://twitter.com/aokiazumi08


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